The Final Posting…

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I just received this video yesterday – please check this out – I could have written the song!!    

                           http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=pjkLf_X88WM&vq=medium

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I’ve posted  65 excerpts over the last 3 months and have given you 90% of the book thru these releases.  I have an X rated chapter that I’ve only dared go into a little but will save that material for the book if I ever do publish it. 

I feel compelled to at least give you a peek of some of the bad stuff – if I didn’t then some of you might think that I am getting soft and growing up — I, of course, wouldn’t want any of you to think that was the case. 

So here is a small sampling – a joke and a cartoon:

A fellow asked me if I woke up and had a condom stuck up my ass and found my fingernails full of dirt would I tell anyone?  I replied – “no way” to which he answered – do you want to go camping? 

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If I see one more show or news story on this guy I am going to lose it!!  Good riddance!!
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CHAPTER TEN (10) — CONCLUSION

I realized (shows you how smart I am) that I am going to have to end this somewhere and I’ve come to the conclusion that 40,000 words is probably about 39,000 words more than most of you wanted to read and that now is as good a time as any to stop my rantings.  I’m expecting more stories and more one-liners to come my way , in the upcoming years, but unless I’m planning on getting someone to finish this for me after I croak (which I’m not) it’s time to say goodbye…  GOODBYE! 

I hope you all laughed “with me”!

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I sent out XMAS cards this year to many of you expressing my true holiday spirit.  For those that didn’t get one please consider the card below yours!  smile… If you would like an original please let me know because I had to purchase more of these things than I have friends… smile again…

 

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I am going to end this now just like Ernie Hartwell did at the end of each of his telecasts:

– I think I’ve done all the damage that I can do – good day!

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The calvous (go look it up!) head is signing off  —

2011
12/24
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More Leftovers

 

 

I hate slow people!  One of the most important things in golf is to be ready to hit when it is your turn.  I wonder often what these chooch’s  are thinking when they hit the links.  How many times does it happen that the slow people are  in front of you and the fast people wind up behind you.  Many of these souls are slower than an iceberg,  many look like they are going backwards and many make snails feel respected.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

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Many women have a whole different mind set than the ones I like – those are the ladies whose favorite position is CEO.

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Why do women need affirmation as much as they do? – especially the ones with small children.  I remember wife #2 constantly calling all of her friends everytime she had to make any decision regarding our daughter – it could be about school – about bedtime – about discipline – about anything! 

Once something happenned she had to go over all the details with her “group” and get positive feedback from them to continue on.  This was before we all had cell phones and I remember listening to way too many conversations from the kitchen area!  Just one of those memories that popped into my head.

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This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her awhile then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”
She says, “I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?”
She says, “Well, your name never came up.”

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I have a new take on AIDS as I’m in my sixties!  Most folks are scared to death of getting this disease but I have added it to my not worry list.  I can now poke anything and not be concerned – my logic is that AIDS takes at least 8 to 10 years to manifest and be a problem and then they can keep you alive for at least another 10 years with medication – that takes me out to my mid 80’s – more than enough for me!

If I make it to 80 I plan on telling all the “younger” woman that I meet that I’m 90 figuring that this will help because they will think I don’t have that much time left and will give me a shot.

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The other side of this is:  I had a mother in-law who told us upon her death to add 10 years to her age when we were writing her obituary – she wanted everyone to say wow – that she looked a lot younger than the age listed (pretty cool!).  

There is nothing more agonizing to the tender touch of vanity than the reality of the rough truth.

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Parent’s leftover “stuff” :

My parents did not like anybody outside of the family to know anything about any of our families business.  They firmly believed that blood was thicker than water. If I ever spoke to an “outsider” about anything personal I would catch holy hell – loose lips sink ships – does Macy’s tell Gimbels?  There really was nothing to tell and if I did have anything to tell it probably would have just bored the listener to death.

I remember the quip that irked me more than the rest – always remember SPS: self praise stinks – Thou shalt not brag in my house was the Eleventh Commandment. This one killed me because celebrating any personal victory was considered bad even if  the celebration was of the mildest sort – my mother would have loved Reyes on the Mets!  If I actually did something good – have the winning hit – score the winning goal – ace the test and mentioned it more than once I would hear SPS!  Ugga!  In retrospect – quite a difference from today’s privileged young things!

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Lastly today –

I have a vision of a product that I think could sell – I would like to develop a front license plate that would have a large bright red fluorescent heart attached to it – you would wire a switch under your steering wheel that would light the heart when turned on.  All of us would turn on our heart light (Neil Diamond could sing the famous song from ET on commercials) whenever we saw a radar trap set up on the other side of the road.  This red heart would be noticed be oncoming drivers letting them know to slow down – HEART would stand for Help Everybody Avoid Radar Traps.  Maybe – one of these days before I start pushing up daisies..

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My last post is going to be tomorrow- Saturday 12/24 – that time has come!

2011
12/23
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Leftover “goodies” from various chapters

This poor guy could be me if the wrong woman has read some of my posts.  I have to add a little more today about some of my inner feelings about women – I know my viewpoint is for sure majorly skewed but all I can say is that it has been formulated by my experiences.  I never could just button it up and ignore things so here some of it is:

Another truth is that for the most part men all wonder on a date if they are going to get lucky while the woman already knows way beforehand.  It actually gets worst once you are married and pass the Kitchen Sex stage.  To get any action then requires that you spend “quality” time with them, do things together, listen to her needs, take care of the honey do lists, share responsibilities and most of all put her up there on the entitled pedestal! 

Then if you are lucky and you can catch her on her one good week of the month (the other three weeks consist of one week menstrual, one week pre-menstrual and one week post menstrual) you might get some.

You always have to remember that no credit is ever given for something you did yesterday or last week – it is all about today – the saying what have you done for me lately? applies here. A fellow can spend the weekend working on all the honey-do’s that the wife can dream of – go shopping with her – take her out to dinner – bathe the kids – whatever!! And next week it starts all over again – god forbid he wants to do something for himself!!

I love how many of the younger guys have to actually bargain with their mate for time alone – or time with the guys – or golf – or again whatever (if she can have this then he can have that).   I really can’t handle a guy telling me that he has to stay home tonight with the kids because his wife is going out with the girls  – with the understanding that he can then play golf one day on the weekend.  I need a puke bag here badly – I have absolutely no problem with the wife going out it’s just the bargaining that bothers me and the eternal nagging.  I believe in balance but not ultimatums.

Many dames learn the art of manipulation very early in life – from conning daddy onward.  I believe that I have been controlled and manipulated by women more that the entire cast of the Muppets!  My least favorite woman is the one that has mastered the art of talking in only half truths – manipulators (otherwise known as Man I’ll Unzip U Later felines).  

 I understand that all marriages and women are not like this but I’m convinced  in the majority of  the marriages that I am right on – of course when the relationship enters the Hallway Sex time men are a lot more free. The comment that states – How can you trust anyone that bleeds for one week each month and doesn’t die? makes many of us wonder.

I’ve recently been told about the 4th stage of sex – following Hallway Sex – it’s called Courtroom Sex  which is where both the ex and the lawyer screw you royally!

Enough said.

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On a lighter front: 

I have to talk about lawns that we all have at our homes – I know that probably no one that is reading this can relate to what I’m going to say next.  When I was a kid the “front lawn” was considered sacred – only something to be looked at and admired but an area that kids were not to play – I remember that if I even walked on it I was scolded – my folks were beyond anal in this regard!  I am not exaggerating one bit and I still have a stomach ache just thinking about it (similar to the one I had writing the chapter on my Parent’s advice!).

I still can’t even believe this was really a reality – we were not allowed to play on the front lawn – no shit!  I still don’t understand the whole idea of the lawn – folks cultivate it – seed it – weed it – fertilize it – and when it grows they just cut it and throw it away.  Call me crazy but I just don’t get it!  

My second home was built on an interior lot with a fairly small lawn area – perfect (which I never cut once in the approx 20 years that I lived there – lawn services rule!)  I always figured that you can only get “hurt” out there so it would be best not to leave the safety of the back deck.  The back deck was as close to nature that I needed to get –  of course with a libation in one hand and a cigar in the other. 

One of my PHD buddies – at least he was a buddy before reading my rants about his “group” – actually grows his grass to a height that he can hay it –he just does this because he loves the fact that he is able to be closer to nature and obviously not for the money. To his face I still make fun of him but in reality I really do understand where he is coming from.  That’s why Howard Johnson has  over 40 different flavors!

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Few additional items that I’ve added to my Non Bucket List:   I will never get a spray tan-  I will never eat whole grain pancakes or pasta – I will never ask if something is gluten free – I will never have a Frappuccino (whatever that is) from anywhere or anytime – my ass will never sit in a Smart Car ever – – I will never go to a seance – I will never wear sandals. 

I’m sure I will think of more things that annoy me but for now stay tuned!

2011
12/22
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More Golf…

It is absolutely amazing how many of all of our putts are short of the hole  which leads to the truism that roughly 80% to 90% of putts hit short don’t go in or said another way never up never in.  An excellent thought to have while putting is that the ball has to stop somewhere so it might as well be at the bottom of the cup!  

A line that I say a lot after I just fanned a shot is that it is pretty hard to hit a ball with both of my hands on the steering wheel – which is a much softer way than telling the truth which is that sometimes I am a choking dog!

I am also convinced that we all have a built in thermostat – I love playing against an opponent who shoots a score on the front nine much lower than his normal score – I always comment that it is time for the thermostat to kick in and invariably a higher score is recorded for the back nine.  The mind is an awful thing to waste. 

A gimme can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers –neither of whom can putt very well. In an every day round it’s never a gimme if you are still away.   One of my good friends describes certain moments of the round as sphincter  moments — when you have to make the putt and every bit of you tightens up just a bit – this is the part of golf that you have to play to really understand.

The hardest thing to beat in golf is a man dressed in black pants and a red shirt on Sunday. 

It is also a sport where you don’t make 9 million a year while failing 70% of the time – batting .300 doesn’t work here.

Golf also has some unique terminology that you will only hear on the golf course – when your playing partner “pops” one up the comment that you could hear would be that was an elephant’s ass shot – high and stinky!

The best thing about going to a new club and playing with new folks is that you always will pick up a few new one liners – and believe me that is a very important part of the game. Here are some examples of lines that are used to describe a situation or a shot that are common in my group –

 – when you hit a bad shot that somehow comes out good its called the Norweigan housewife, doesn’t look good but it works

 –  when you hit a ball into the woods we used to yell Louie throw it out but now we say Monica spit it out

 – if your drive doesn’t reach the ladies tee you are told to whip it out

 –  nice Rockefeller putt, dead in the hole

 – that put is so slick that it is like trying to putt a ball down your windshield and getting it to stop before it hits the windshield wiper

– while reading a putt for your team mate you say it looks like its ripped pajamas (one ball out!!!)

 – putts that go over the hole and not in are putts that hit the cellophane bridge and putts that “lip” out get the quip – that ball has seen and touched more lips than a black dentist! 

I told you the book was not politically correct! 

A few others that I think are at least somewhat funny:  a “Michael Jackson” – gradually fading – a “Rock Hudson” – looked straight but it wasn’t, a “Paris Hilton – an expensive hole, and my favorite a “Yasser Ara-fart” – ugly and in the sand!

One of the great things about golf is the banter that goes on between you and your “friends” during the round. There are the occasional nice comments like – nice shot – never quibble over a shot down the middle or never belittle a shot down the middle – that’s shot is only good if you like them long and down the middle.

But more often the air is filled with more insults and abusive comments than you would hear at a Don Rickles show. People that don’t play golf really do not understand this at all.  If you are playing a match and lose the first couple of holes I would say remember that a dog that shits fast doesn’t shit for long and if you are barely hanging on making longer putts for par – Vee would tell you that there are two things that don’t last – dogs chasing cars and putting for pars! 

When you play with an older fellow (that is someone who is on the back nine of life) you never say – I think your ball is over the hill – you instead say you think it made it over the mound

Most of the fellows I play with are poking fun at each almost endlessly – did you forget to take the head cover off?   – does your husband play? – did you hit that putt on a heartbeat? – there is a lot of meat left on that bone – nice putt for triple, its like whip cream on shit – that dog won’t hunt – nice touchdown  – nice touchdown with the extra point – nice snowman or dog balls  – you are on the dance floor but you just can’t hear the band –  no bogey like a double bogey and my favorite – every shot makes someone happy!

I’m looking forward to next golf season….

2011
12/21
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More “Stuff”

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What are the first 3 words in every Mexican cookbook?  — steal a chicken.

When does a Mexican become Spanish?  — when he marries your daughter.

Why are the people from Poland called Poles and the people from Holland aren’t called Holes?

Based on the “miracle” shown above I think that I have given up on the idea of being an Aetheist — plus the fact that  I realized that they don’t have any holidays!

Now that I am in real estate I have all the money I’ll ever need, as long as I die by 5 o’clock today!

Why don’t Jews drink? — it interferes with their suffering.

Why is phonetically not spelled the way it sounds? —  (help me here)

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 A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

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What is up with short people?? — why do so many of them have little man’s disease?  It really is pretty hard to find one of these munchkins without an attitude. Shrimpy folks with turtle nuts are beyond sensitive to any comments about their lack of height! I believe that they are all born with a gene that controls their behavior – this is why the first comment by a shorty back to a normal person is – “who do you think you are – a giant?” I found the politically correct description of these “mini” van drivers — they are just vertically challenged small humans of minuscule stature!  — I prefer midget!

Speaking of midgets — did you hear about the gay midget — he came out of the cupboard!   (sorry I just couldn’t resist)

The nicknames for these folks are endless — some of my favorites are: mini-me -squirt – smurf – stumpy – small fry – little tike – itty bitty and the best Half Pint! 

We have a Gary Coleman like person in our office – I will refrain from naming him here today to spare him any additional torments.  He gets more than his share of fun being poked at him already.  It is not like I want to make fun of him but the truth is that it is so easy to do.  We ask him if he is short on cash – what baby store does he buy his clothes at – how is his short term memory etc.?

I can assure you that he is short because when I once looked at his driver’s license photo – I could see his feet!  I always tell him about the advantages of being “down there”  – he is the last one to know when it is raining and he can put his pants on faster than any of us!

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The small people comments remind me of this other good line – Too many freaks are out there but not enough circuses!!

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A story about a little man that we all loved at Rock Ridge:

I belonged to Rock Ridge Country Club for 10 years (1976 – 1986).  The membership was only around 100 families and the course is only 9 holes.  After each round the members would put their completed scores in the computer located in the pro shop where  there was a sheet stating each players current handicap. 

One day a fellow named Al Fiore joined – none of the regular members had met Al but we all noticed his handicap was a plus two! and he soon became somebody that we all wanted to meet and play with.  We asked in the pro shop and were told that he only played during the week in the late afternoon/early evening time. 

We decided to stay one day and meet this fellow – when we did we met a 5’ 5” smiling bald man of about 250+ pounds.  We all watched him dribble the ball off the first tee and were taken back – he did the same thing on his second shot.  He went out and shot a smooth 68 for the front nine and then proceeded to go into the pro shop and post his score – his only problem was that he was posting his 9 hole score as an 18 hole score!!  That ended Al’s fame as a golfer but we all loved him anyway…

till tomorrow….

 

2011
12/20
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Monday stories

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My favorite two gay Irishmen are – Willie Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwillie – and who could forget the gay Greek sailor who never leaves his friends behind!  I’ll hold back on a few others that I could add here only because it’s Monday and I rather start the week off somewhat calmly! 

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I would like to move now from gay to mean with another story about my ex father in-law.  To put it mildly he did not exactly have the patience of a Zen monk!

When he went out to a restaurant he demanded service beyond the call of duty.  I got to see him first hand return 3 hamburgers at the old Plank House in Danbury.  He took major bites out of all three of them – the first two burgers  weren’t rare enough for him and the third was too raw.  It was my first experience in dealing with shock and awe!  I was hoping so bad that someone – anyone would come over to the table with a bowl of spaghetti and spill it over his head.  I can picture it happening with the person saying – you needed this more than I need my job but of course it never happened!!  Where were the likes of Sheen, Baldwin and Gibson when I needed them most!

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My 2nd wife told me a couple of good stories about flight attendants that she worked with that did lose it:

First story –

A couple was sitting in first class and every time that the attendant would ask what they would like the husband would respond that he will have this and his wife will have that… she never looked up nor acknowledged the attendant at any time and  not once opened her mouth! 

This went on thru the entire dinner service – when it was time for dessert the attendant had enough of being disrespected.  She asked the husband what he would like and then said to him and what will Helen Keller be having?  — Boom time!

Second story –

First class again, this time with a woman who was over demanding.  She was rude and loud.  She asked for everything under the sun and expected it immediately.  The flight attendant held her tongue but by the time dinner service started she was at her wits end.

When she placed the meal in front of this person the lady started yelling at her – where are my peas? – where are my peas?  The attendant went back and got a bowl of peas – stuck the tablespoon in the bowl and starting pelting the lady with the peas — you want peas – here you go – covering the lady and the seat with peas! 

Not as good as my spaghetti fantasy but close!!

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies: “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

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One last father in-law story – while on a family vacation to one of the islands my father in-law asks me if I would like to go sailing.  Since I knew that sailing was one of his passions and that I had never been sailing I said sure. 

He rents a catamaran with a 16′ mast and then first thing I ask when I see it is  – where are the sides?  There were two hulls and a small flat deck to sit on – not exactly my idea of comfort but off we go anyway.  My job was to hold onto a few ropes and release them when he told me to.  I was beyond bored and tired of ducking under the sail while holding on to the stupid ropes so I found a holder on the deck and locked the ropes into them. 

Sure enough a major gust of wind comes up and he yells to me release whatever the ropes were connected to.  Since the ropes were locked in they weren’t going anywhere and the next thing you know the mast topples into the water.  As we started to go upside down he yells that I should swim down and bring the mast back to parallel with the water.  SURE! 16′ foot is a long way down especially when you are laughing!

Bottom line –  We were out there floating up side down for a few hours heading toward Venezuela when a speed boat from shore finally came out to find and get us.  They towed us back to shore – upside down the whole way and when we were close to shore they were able to swim down and right the vessel.  There were all sorts of people lined up on the shore watching  the up righting  and to see if we were ok.  He was beyond embarrassed/pissed and now that I think back he sort of got the bowl of spaghetti then! 

He never invited me to sail again!

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Honestly – does this look comfortable to anybody out there???  Cheap fuck – he couldn’t even get us a real sailboat!!

2011
12/19
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Ernie stories…

Pick a name –  Bonehead – Dumbo – Dork – Knucklehead – Half-Wit – Dipstick – Bozo:_______________________________________________________________________

I now watch more TV reality shows than I can believe and actually tivo them so that I can stay current. I’ve graduated from my younger days of watching Candid Camera to a mega list of many great and not so great shows.  When I compiled this list and reflected I realized that my life has indeed changed!!  Ugh! 

Here are my gems – American Idol, X Factor, Big Brother, Survivor, Project Runway (hard for me to even believe that I watch this!), More To Love (even harder to believe), Biggest Loser,  Shedding For The Wedding, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, Dating in the Dark, America’s Got Talent, Great American Road Trip,  Hell’s Kitchen,  Master Chef, Chopping Block, Top Chef, There Goes The Neighborhood,  Next Great Restaurant, Restaurant Impossible, America’s Top Models, Tons of Cash, Seducing Cindy, Dancing With The Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, Apprentice, America’s Toughest Jobs, Shark Tank, Fear Factor, Star Search, Amazing Race, Mob Wives, 101 Ways To Leave a Game Show,  Welcome Home, Last Comic Standing, True Beauty, Wife Swap, I’m A Celebrity, Marriage Ref (something that I needed badly), Get Me Out Of Here, Shaq’s Big Challenge and last but not least Beauty And The Geek!! 

When I now look in the mirror that is what I see – a geek!!!  I am also stuck on quite a few game shows but can’t bring myself to list any more…  I recently returned home from a week in California and it took me about 3 days of watching taped shows to catch up – yup I have no life!

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While I’m wallowing in self pity let me share a few more stories about my shortcomings and woes:

One of my funniest and humbling golf stories happened a month after I won the club championship at Ridgewood Country Club (when I was 49).  The lowest handicap that I ever had was 5 and that was very short lived – I had been, till recently,  always between a 7 and a 9 cap.  Anyway,  I somehow won – the tourney is played match play which gratefully gave even me a chance.

About a month later we played a 12 man team event against 3 other country clubs. The group that I played in had a young stud (25ish) who was the champion that year of his club – Aspetuk.  The event was held at Ridgewood – I think I beat it around pretty good and shot a cool 90!  When we drove back in to the pro shop – one of the young fellows said to me – how did you do today champ?  The Aspetuk dude looks at me and says – what did he call you?  I told him champ and he asked why.  I told him that I won the championship at Ridgewood and he looked at me straight in the face and said- what flight?  I smiled and said the championship flight to which he replied – what year!!!  True humbling story!!

It is a funny thing but most golfers socialize and are most friendly with people that have similar handicaps (the kid from Aspetuk never called me again!!).  Of course there are exceptions but you don’t see a lot of single digit guys hanging out with the 40 handicap group of guys. Many of the better golfers are definitely golf snobs.

I’ve now become a B or a C player on the course but I still am an A player on the high stool.  I’m not saying that my golf game has gone completely south but can say if I grew tomatoes I’m 100% sure they would come up sliced!  My only solace is that the clubs don’t know how old I am.  

I have to admit that even though I now stink I prefer to play with guys that know and can play the game.  I’m still playing with the lower cap guys and am still playing from the blues for this reason.

I remember back to all the years I played with “old” Tom Daly in the Ridgewood Member-Member – I always told him that after he died that I would play the next year with a symbolic coffin in my cart because I would get as much help from the coffin that I got from him.  The sad truth, though, is that I now have become Tom Daly – older than all the guys I play with – basically no help to my partner, forty yards behind everybody and unable to break 90!  We called Tom –The Load – for obvious reasons – life has got me back on this one – I am now Load Jr!!  One of the fellows at Ridgewood, Dave Parille, always kidded that he is looking forward to someone one day saying to him – nice 5 for a 3!  Hopefully – I will not hear that for awhile still!

Sad dog that I am ……  smile….

2011
12/16
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Golf stories – from Chapter 8

Before the golf — one last – last lawyer joke —  It was so cold this morning that I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets…. ba da bing….. smile everyone…

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NOW TO THE GOLF!!

 I played sparingly with both of my ex’s – looking back I would rather have a root canal done without medication than play with either of them.  My second wife asked me while we were married if I would play golf with her when we were both retired in Florida or wherever.  I responded with a question – do I play with you now?  She replied no and I asked why retirement would change anything!  She then said, with an attitude (wonder why!) – Well then why are we married?  I gave her my best answer – well it’s certainly not because we should play golf together.  Guess what – yup – no action that day (as usual) and a quiet house for a few days – looking back there were a lot of quiet days but sometimes silence can be deafening.  

One other second wife golf story – while we were dating (the glorious hunt time) I of course had no problem with saying yes to a golf date.  Everything was going fine till we got to the first hole – she had to have taken 20 shots at least to finish the hole – I was sick.  When she finally arrived, after another 20+ blows, just before the second green she yelled over to me – “what should I hit” – I responded to grab anything because it didn’t make a bit of f–king difference. Yup – tears and off the course she went – I actually learned over the years to say 5 iron easy or 5 iron regular! I gave her over the years the best advice I have for a bad golfer – take two weeks off and then quit!

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.  I recently took a lesson from the pro who told me that my problem was that I was standing to close to the ball – after I hit it! 

We once had a guest come to our course who whiffed the ball on his tee shot on hole #1.  There were a few of us nearby on the putting green and we all stopped to see his second swing – whiffed it again – after he whiffed it for the third time he looked over to his host and said boy do you guys have a tough course here!  When this fellow came to a shot that had to carry water he would say to his group – does anyone want to say goodbye to my ball? This is a fellow who should seriously be thinking about switching sports to bowling.

I am actually starting to think about switching myself because of the way I’ve been playing lately. I figured out why bowling is better than golf – they provide the balls and shoes – you get the ball brought back to you – they have heat and a/c – they keep score for you – no water or wind to deal with – and best of all you can drink! 

I also have thoughts on people that have covers for their putters – what’s up with that?  

As I grow older I realize that one of the things that keeps me going is that I know it’s better to be on this side of the grass than the other!

I have a golf story about my one round at Yale!  I played in a charity event there about 20 years ago and enjoyed the course especially the traps and the ninth green.  After the round I went to the bar in the clubhouse and asked for an ashtray for my cigar – I was told – that there was no smoking allowed on the Yale grounds – I then asked for a vodka on the rocks and was told – that there is no hard liquor served on the Yale grounds – just beer and wine.  I responded – who runs this place? – broads??   I then proceeded to tell the fellow to take a good look at my face because he never was going to see it again on the Yale grounds and I haven’t been back since.  Do you think they miss me?

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I’m not sure if everybody has heard this joke but it is a classic and I had to include it:

Sol Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang…

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible.  As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant….

Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted,

“You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself!”

“While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV’s; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don’t forget the hygiene care.”

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said,

“I’m just fucking with you. She’s dead. What’d you shoot?”

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2011
12/15
CATEGORY
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General stories from various chapters

I’m looking forward to the week after Christmas because that is the time when my daughter and I  every year go on an all day movie barrage – we have been doing this since she was in high school.  We go and see at least 4 movies in one day – my ass is flat for a week afterwards but it is a fun time and it is definitely a memory moment!  The princess is in charge of the schedule and selections – all I do is pay — sound familiar???

I have a real problem with movies now showing actual TV commercials prior to the movie.  It is bad enough that you have to sit thru half a dozen or more previews — but TV commercials? – the movie should at least be free!! 

When we were kids they used to show cartoons – nothing was better than seeing Road Runner and Wily Coyote on the big screen.  When I was in my 20’s they used to pass around a jar for the Will Roger Institute – I still remember the first wife screaming about that – cheap shit that she was!

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When I was married I felt like everyday when I went to work that I was literally getting on and walking down I84 in the middle of all the traffic.  I felt like I was dodging trucks – buses – cars etc, all day long.  On the days I played golf it was like me moving off the highway to the median area but as soon as I finished playing I was back hiking on I84 again. 

Meanwhile my wife and daughter were walking along side me but way in from the shoulder where the flowers, grass, stores and restaurants were – we were both going in the same direction in life but each of us were experiencing entirely different things.  Penny for your thoughts!

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When I was in my senior year of high school I decided to pull a  senior prank of my own.  I snuck into where they parked all the school buses that brought the high school students in to school each day.  I had a valve core remover tool with me and proceeded to loosen the valve core in every front tire of the buses.  I crawled around for quite a while and when I left you could hear the sweet hissing sound of air escaping. 

The next morning my friend and I drove to school and saw hundreds of kids waiting at various bus stops – we laughed our asses off – when we actually got to school it was like a ghost town.  The headline in the paper said – Bus Drivers reported to the bus parking lot this morning only find all the tires of their buses flat – vandals had their fun sometime after 10PM.  Somehow I never got caught – whew

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I have played in the Danbury Industrial Golf league with the Silvestri team (6 men per team) for the last few years – we play each week at a sub par golf course and then all go out to dinner.  The dinner is the real event.  One good story:  I was playing at Whitney Farm with Jim Silvestri as my partner.  On the second hole my driver broke and the actual head went flying into the pricker bushes.  I figured that I just hit a nice $400 shot but we went in to see if we could find the head anyway.  After looking for a minute or so – Jim found a head – he looked at me with a straight face and asked – what was I playing?  Funny moment.

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My most embarrassing moment in my life goes back to when my boys were 4 & 2.  I was married at that time to wife #1 and I would take the boys to the Blue Colony Diner on Saturday mornings for breakfast. 

At that time there was a show on TV called The Gong Show – where folks would perform.  Some of the acts were decent but the majority of them were horrendous!  If they were bad the judges would hit the gong and off the stage they would go.  I watched this show each week with the kids and whenever a XXXL woman would get “gonged” I would say to the kids – there goes another BIMBO to the showers.

Fast forward to the diner – we are sitting in a booth, eating our breakfast, and who walks in but two ugful porkers who sit down right across the aisle from our booth — maybe 6′ away.  My oldest son spots them and says in the loudest and clearest voice – “Hey Dad  LOOK – there are two bimbo’s”!!   I don’t remember ever looking up and can tell you that I think that I set the world record in finishing and exiting the place!!  Good lesson learned — watch what you say in front of the sponges!

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I’m happy to announce the newest member of my Hall of Fame celebrities  – Alec Baldwin — he joins the likes of past recipents – Mel Gibson and Charley Sheen.  They are my kind of dudes — all of them are “filter less” which is one of the qualities that I love best.  They are all very black and white about everything – the only gray you get from them would be in their hair!

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Lastly – the thing that I most miss about living in a house rather than a condo is that I always had Christmas lights on the outside of my home and  I looked forward each year to putting them up…

 

 

2011
12/14
CATEGORY
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Just some thoughts..

 
 
Why don’t chickens wear underwear??  because their peckers are on their faces!!
 
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I’m sorry that I was remiss in not sending you all a picture of my daughter’s graduation..
 
 
 
One last lawyer joke:   What do all lawyers do after they die?  They lie still!!
 
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As far as dating goes for me – I still enjoy the hunt but  am not really attracted to many women my age.  Even though – I have expanded my strike zone – I still have a problem with large felines – I just can’t handle the wide bodies! The one thing that does bother me about getting older is that I now am looking for GILF’s instead of MILF’s (grandma’s that I would like to f..k).  When my friends ask if I will ever get married again I like Yogi’s line – I don’t like forecasting especially when the future is involved.   

I realize that the only way for me to get attention now a days  is for me to tape $100 bills to my bald head when I go out.  This helps the attraction process get started.  (I tell people that the reason that I am bald is because of all the years of me making numerous u-turns under the sheets!) 

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Sports are very big in my family – mainly baseball. Baseball is America to me – three strikes and you are out applies equally to all. A stat that I recently heard is one that only a baseball fan would enjoy – more men have circled the moon than have pitched a perfect game.  

All  of the members of my family have two favorite teams – The Mets and anybody playing the Yankees.  We all believe that the Yunks are the best team money can buy.  I, like many Mets fans, have been suffering for quite awhile – I have come to the conclusion that the Mets got their name because they were the team that eternally will have – More Excuses This Season – the 09 season was the craziest I have ever watched – the only thing left that could have also gone wrong was Keith and Ron falling out of the broadcast booth.  

The Mets of 2010 were a little better but very weak on the offense side – one caller to the radio station WFAN said that most of the Met players can’t even score with their wives!  I feel Baseball is like Church – many attend but few understand. 

I recently went reluctantly to a Yankee game at the new Stadium – probably the only ball field in America where sushi is served in a concession stand  (does that tell you anything?)  I really hate going there because there are SO many Yankee fans there – go figure – and I of course was wearing my Met hat.  In the ninth when it was obvious that the Yunks were going to lose, this asshole fan in front of me turns around and starts telling me about the 26 championships that “his” team has won (this was prior to 2009).  I of course responded with the standard Met montra – that they were all in the LAST CENTURY! – he didn’t even bat an eye and said right back to me that I was LAST CENTURY!  One of the few times in my life that I was actually speechless – I have to admit it was a great comeback line. 

I just want to say something about Philly fans who have to be the worst fans in the world – they would boo a funeral.  Bob Uecker said that he saw Philly fans actually boo kids who were struggling during an Easter Egg hunt!  That’s cold – so much for its being the City of Brotherly Love. 

Our family also are big Giant football fans with the Cowboys being the equivalent of the dreaded Yunks.  We don’t buy into all the America’s team hype – in fact we are all very happy that they decided to leave the hole in the roof on their new stadium so that now God can still watch them lose!

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Till tomorrow….

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2011
12/13
CATEGORY
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